Distant early warning

I know it makes no difference
To what you're going through
But I've seen the tip of the iceberg
And I worry about you.

Absalom, Absalom, Absalom.

And the meek shall inherit the Earth

Watching "Beyond the Lighted Stage" (again) late at night. Wish I could light up Facebook with all the nerdy observations/wisdom. Neil just said that, even though he's sick of Tom Sawyer, he'll never get tired of playing it. Because it's so damn hard to play right. (And for Neil, trust me, that means perfect.)

P.S. Aimee Mann on Time Stand Still is perfect. Linda Ronstadt perfect in a Canada way. Just wish she didn't have to be dubbed in on all the shows, at least in the U.S.

Dear KV,

Happy Fourth. You were so right about the whole Jesus and losing thing. Cat's Cradle was good and all, but you should have won a Nobel Prize for the losing with grace thing. I know God meant business, but those degenerate hippies who made up the New Testament were on to something. I know you know this, but people STILL don't get it. At all.

Lance

Spoke too soon

Kind of regretting this blog. I'm just writing it for myself anyway, I guess. To try to talk myself into feeling better. I've been to work three times today, been home three other times to throw up. Probably gonna do it again at noon. Need to get it out. Cause I have back to back to back meetings this afternoon. Plus, I still have to take another one of these damn pills. Some days. I'm trying not to complain too much. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. But I do.

There's no crying in baseball

Here's the thing. It's baseball. How come pitchers don't throw inside anymore? It's the American Fucking Pastime! Sometimes you have to put one in someone's ear.

I was a pitcher and a short stop. I had a good arm. I once threw at a guy in the batter's box for looking square at me. Then, when he came to bat, I put one right in his ribs on the first pitch. On purpose. He was a friend. He charged the mound. I clocked him. Then he beat the shit out of me.

This is the way it used to work. The next time someone brings an electronic device to a meeting, I'm putting a fastball into their rib cage. Bring it on.

P.S. I think I was one of the first generation of people to ever get rotator cuff surgery. This was before Tommy John and the elbow surgeries, etc. A total experimentation. My dad seriously traded the medical bill for tax services. I actually picked most of the staples out of my shoulder myself. They were big and red. I still have a scar from my under arm to close to my right nipple that looks approximately like the red sea.

Random lyrics from my iPod

I jotted these excerpts down yesterday evening (because I'm crazy and was listening to music, cause Wolf Blitzer was getting on my nerves). Consider this a contest with no prize if you want to comment with your guesses/answers as to the titles and artists of the full songs.

1.
"You must really consider the circus;
It just might be your kind of zoo."

2.
"Sprawling on the fringes of the city
In geometric order
An insulated border
In between the bright lights
And the far unlit unknown.

"Growing up it all seems so one-sided
Opinions all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the mass production zone
Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone."

3.
"Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam.
Cause sunbeams are not made like me."

4.
"Read between the lines
What's fucked up when everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone."

5.
"Juliet says, 'Hey, it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack!'
He's underneath the window, she's singing, 'Hey la, my boyfriend's back.
You shouldn't come around here singing up to people like that...
Anyway, what you gonna do about it?'"

6.
"Once I stood to lose her
When I saw what I had done
Bound down and flew away the hours
Of her garden and her sun.

"So I tried to warn her
I turned to see her weep
Forty days and forty nights
And it's still coming down on me."

7.
"The representative from California has the floor:

"Sieg Heil to the president Gasman
Bombs away is your punishment
Pulverize the Eiffel towers
Who criticize your government
Bang bang goes the broken glass and
Kill all the fags that don't agree
Trials by fire, setting fire
Is not a way that's meant for me."

8.
"Hate me
Do it and do it again
Waste me
Rape me, my friend."

9.
"Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?"

10.
"Jane says
I never been in love
I don't know what it is
She only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me."

11.
"Always, I know
You'll be at my show
Watching, waiting
Commiserating.

"Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home."

12.
"Sometimes we live no particular way but our own,
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home,
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone,
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own."

13.
"I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams."

14.
"I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears, but it's alright.

"Cow is giving kerosene, kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene, but it's alright
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

"Shoe is on the hand that fits, that's all there really is to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit, but it's alright."

15.
"Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name."

Knock, knock, knockin

It started with the shaking. I thought I had Parkinson's Disease. For real. I tried to hide it. My hands. I didn't want to sit down and eat with anyone, etc. When I told the new doctor about it (it subsided months ago), he kind of laughed and said I definitely didn't have Parkinson's Disease, that it was adrenaline. My body was preparing for a fight. My body was smart, just a little too anxious. And, unfortunately, I'm a pacifist. The shaking started before the last big panic attack (in January) and continued for about a month after (after shocks).

I am feeling better. (Knock on everything that looks like wood within reach.) For months, I have been nauseous. Morning, noon, night. Super sick during the Famous Paxil Withdrawal Incident. I have also had irritating bouts with bowels, especially during the mornings. (Sorry to bring that up.) I can only deduce that this is caused by meds (Klonopin now). But this week I have been feeling fine (knock on more wood). I think it's because I got to spend some quality time with my son this past weekend. That's good medicine, right there.

The main thing I can't regulate right now is sleep. Two days ago, I woke up at 3 a.m. My body just woke up and there was no arguing with it. So I drew a graphic of hydrokinetic energy for work (not kidding), then went back to sleep for an hour. This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. No man's land. So I came to work early. In some ways, the new sleep patterns make sense to me. After all, I have never thought it made any sense to eat (breakfast, lunch, dinner) at a certain time. I eat when I'm hungry. So I guess, for now, I'll sleep when I'm tired.

I suspect that there are still bad days ahead. And I'll probably still have some days when I just can't do "it," whatever it is. But the bad days seem to be coming with less frequency and intensity (yes, I know this sounds overly dramatic to some people, but some of you KNOW). Maybe I'll have to deal with this my whole life. But, really, I've already been dealing with it my whole life. It just got really bad there for a while. And now I know how to deal with it better, if that makes sense.

I think the worst was after I had the panic attack in January. There was a major snow storm, and I got trapped without supplies. Bottled water, cigarettes, enough food, etc. I walked to the convenience store the first day. The second day I dug my car out and drove to the grocery store. It was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. I was absolutely panicked about being in public, let alone trying to drive in the snow. I have never been more relieved than when I completed those reconnaissance missions and shut the door to the world behind me again. I hope that agoraphobic shit never comes back!

P.S. A homeless guy asked me for money last weekend. I reached into my change pocket and gave him everything I had, which just happened to include two of my crazy pills. So, in addition to the quarters and dimes, I gave the guy two Klonopins by accident. I didn't realize it until later. Being stereotypically homeless, I'm sure he took the pills. What does he have to lose? He probably took to the meds better than me, started feeling better immediately, and went out to look for a job.

Mental health intermission

Yesterday, I was having a discussion about the best photos of all time. Here are three. What are your favorites? (I was thinking about posting some of the dramatic ones from Vietnam, but decided against it.) The first one is from the recent Vancouver riot (after the Canucks lost); it's what inspired this conversation.

P.S. I should probably get some kind of permission to post these shots. But this is a blog. So whatevs.

Interesting fact

Kurt Vonnegut's daughter was once married to Geraldo Rivera. That's what made him crazy and ultimately killed him at age 84, not the five packs a day.

Therapy and scandal

Realized I have sought therapy, and even been involved in scandal. The next logical step, it seems to me, is to run for public office.

Sick of being sick

I am sick of the meds. They make me sick at both ends. One of these days...

Whatever doesn't kill you almost kills you

Most of my four followers have already seen this, but I thought it was appropriate for this blog. It's an excerpt from Conan O'Brien's recent commencement address at Dartmouth:

...In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."

But then something spectacular happened.

Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.

P.S. Though I'm starting to get to approximately the place Conan found, I'm not exactly having fun or really thriving. Yet.

More dialogue

Shrink: You're Catholic, right? I mean, that's where the guilt stuff comes from?

Me: No, but really good guess.

Shrink: Jewish?

Me: Nope. But another good guess.

Shrink: OK, then, just tell me.

Me: Presbyterian.

Shrink: Then what the hell are you even doing here?

P.S. Random baseball quote of the day (from Crash Davis to Ebby Calvin Laloosh): "Anything that travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it."

Van Gogh's ear

Doc: If Van Gogh would have taken these meds, he wouldn't have cut off his ear.

Me: Yes. But he also wouldn't have painted "Starry Night."

Doc: Point taken. We'll work on it.

Me: Thank you.

I was born this way

I agreed to let a second-year medical student from Mizzou consult with me before the doctor came in yesterday. I am a big believer in the education of future generations, and I think this guy has a very bright future. He asked me like 100 questions. Among them, he asked if I lived alone and if I had any friends. I told him that I'm not exactly Eleanor Rigby.

He didn't get it.

I also told him that I am not in favor of lobotomies, that I don't want to end up like R.P. McMurphy.

And I might have brought up Woody Allen at one point, too, but that was probably a mistake.

Should have gone with Larry David.

P.S. As far as the meds go, I will quote the punch line to my brother's favorite joke: "That dog will BITE you!!"

P.P.S. In a fairly recent game of Trivial Pursuit, some of the contestants were complaining that the questions were about things that happened before they were born. My response was: World War II happened before you were born, god damnit! It's not an excuse.

P.P.P.S. Just dance.

P.P.P.P.S. Cherry, cherry boom boom.

Can do

Got the scoop from the new doc today. Apparently I am in great shape. Something about too much adrenaline, but they checked my thyroid twice, so it's apparently just produced naturally by me. And the meds are supposed to counter it anyway.

Me: "You do realize I smoke at least two packs a day?"

Doc: "Well, your heart and lungs are fine."

Me: "I also drink a lot."

Doc: "We checked your liver too."

Me: "So I'm just crazy then?"

Doc: "You're overly neurotic. Look, you are an extremely healthy 41-year-old man. Just continue to see your therapist, take your meds correctly for a change, and don't go on three-day drinking binges without sleeping."

Me: "Can do."

Me again: "Are there really people who are actually capable of going on three day drinking binges without sleeping?"

Doc: "You wouldn't believe it."

So I am feeling a lot stronger. Hope it lasts.

P.S. He wanted to put me back on Paxil (a lower dosage) just to make sure everything was properly drugged. I told him I'm never taking anything that steals my creativity again. He said, no problem.

P.P.S. Prior to take-offs and landings, most Guatemalans cross themselves. Because it's all in God's hands now. I have seen it. I think they've got it about right.

P.P.P.S. Do you realize how short Guatemalans are? I think it has something to do with high altitude. Kinda like Tibetans, etc.

Just like the white-winged dove

Saw online that Stevie Nicks almost died from Klonopin. Good enough for me. I'm all in. (Don't worry. By all in, I don't mean I'm going to snort it mixed with cocaine like a rock star.)

P.S. Accidentally tried to buy an ice cream bar last night with a Canadian Loonie and a Guatemalan 50-cent coin that were in my pocket for some reason. It's no wonder people think I'm crazy.

Blind dog

I love this dog.

Nor for the pestilence

I knew I was in trouble when I was in the pharmacy and I heard "Dr. Feelgood" on the speakers. For real.

I am not going to make any private disclosures on this blog about the people/events that triggered the panic attacks, etc. I'm not out for revenge (at least on here). Besides, I've had anxiety since I was born. I just want to talk about the long road from there to here through the Valley of Darkness, which has recently been beset by roadside bombs, a little glimpse of light, and the promise of potential setbacks.

I also want to say that my co-workers, many of whom have been through much worse (or are currently going through much worse), have been a huge source of support. Thank God.

P.S. Feel free to share this blog with others by word of mouth, email, Twitter. I don't care.

P.P.S. Trying to find your way through this stuff is kind of like trying to track down someone of Chinese descent, knowing only their name. It's gonna take some time.

Are you experienced?

So what's the deal with Klonopin? After my experience with Paxil, I was more than a little shy about all drugs. So instead of taking the two or three Klonopin per day that my doctor prescribed, I only took one per day. My shrink told me I was a total idiot. Now that I'm taking two per day, I think I might be stabilizing.

But what are the side-effects? What can I expect?

The other thing I want to talk about is the strong need to be UNDERSTOOD by friends, family, etc. It's not their fault. How could they understand if they've never been through something like this? It's kind of like Nolan Ryan trying to understand why today's pitchers can't throw 300 innings without their arms falling off. He did it just fine. Why does everyone else have to be such a pussy? Or like George Brett trying to understand what the big deal about hitting is. See ball, hit ball, run like hell. What could be so difficult about that? Well, the people I know aren't famous or anything. But the only ones who get it are the ones who have been through something similar. I understand the dynamic. I just really wish someone close would truly be able to understand.

P.S. This doesn't mean I honestly don't appreciate people reaching out. More than they know. And I have freaked some of them out, lashed out at others. I am so sorry. Just frustrated.

My aim is true

Thus far, I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder (totally true), depression (seems likely but I'm actually not depressed), post traumatic stress disorder (not sure about that one) and maybe a couple of other things.

My goal with this blog is to share my experiences and hopefully get feedback from others with similar problems. Until this happened to me, I had no idea so many people suffered from this stuff. I would really like people to share their experiences with meds. It seems like most of them really fuck you up (like you weren't already fucked up before). What works and what makes you even more freakin sick and loony tunes?

P.S. It shouldn't be too hard to keep this blog populated. Crazy shit happens to me all the time -- even before I was certifiably crazy.

P.P.S. I actually don't think I'm that crazy, which is all the more maddening!

P.P.P.S. I am a Kansas City Royals fan. That might have been what fucked me up. For real.

So here's the story

About six months ago, I had a panic attack and ended up in the ER. They put all kinds of shit on my chest, hooked me up to all these wires, monitored the situation closely for a couple of hours. Then told me my heart was fine. I asked them to recheck -- cause, you know, I smoke two packs a day. They sent me home with Ativan.

So I actually followed up with the doctor -- first time I've seen a doctor in ten years. She prescribed Paxil, something called Attarax, something called Buspurine and blood pressure medicine. The Paxil was the worst. When I stopped shaking a lot but still wasn't feeling right, the doc insisted that I double the Paxil dosage. It sucked like hell. I finally decided to get off of it on my own. That was a huge mistake. I took half a pill for two days, and then descended into a withdrawal that would have made a heroin junkie proud. Couldn't keep anything down for days, including any pills. Too sick to go to the doctor if I wanted to. I was climbing the walls, having strange dreams, sweating profusely. I was so dehydrated I didn't pee for two days. I couldn't afford tears. But I eventually recovered and was clean.

Yet I was still crazy. So then I went to the therapist for the first time in my life. The first thing this shrink asks me is CNN or FOX? I, of course, said CNN. Her reply, and I quote, was "Well at least you're fucking treatable." Mind you, this is a little old lady with MS who has tennis balls on the bottom of her walker.

So the shrink gets me a new doc, who takes me off everything but the blood pressure medicine, and adds Klonopin. That's where I'm at now.

From my Twitter

One panic attack (OK 2 or 3) and they've pumped me full of enough meds to sink a battleship.

Docs in this area must have all gone to med school at the University of Phoenix.

It's like they're practicing bloodletting on me.

Don't be denied

When we got to Winnipeg
I checked in to school.
I wore white bucks on my feet,
When I learned the golden rule.
The punches came fast and hard
Lying on my back in the school yard.

Don't be denied, don't be denied.
Don't be denied, don't be denied.
Don't be denied, don't be denied.